Elusive Contentment

I’ve spent so many years of my life at a quick jog, desperately trying to make it to the next point in my life. The next diploma, the next relationship, the next job, the next city. I’ve raced through every stage and every accomplishment, convinced that if I can just get to the next thing, it will make me happy. There is no doubt that my bouncing around is both a familial, learned behavior and a trait common to many postmodern-era millennials. When it comes to nature vs. nurture, I never did have a chance at peace no matter which factor ended up being dominant.

Easily one of the most frustrating things in my life has been my slow crawl through a college degree. I have been out of high school for almost eight years and as of this Friday, I have merely the most pathetic of associates degrees to show for it. I cannot tell you how many times I have stood looking in the mirror and lambasted myself for not finishing a degree four years ago. How could I have done this to myself? How could I have placed so many things above my education? Why didn’t I plan better? Why didn’t I foresee the pitfalls that would occur? How am I twenty-five years old and without anything to show for it?

The other deeply upsetting factor of my life right now is Morgan’s enlistment in the navy, which still has another three and a half years left. I know why he joined the navy: to take care of me. While I deeply appreciate his sacrificial love more than I can express, I’ll probably never be able to let go of this deep and abiding responsibility I feel for everything he has suffered and will suffer over this decade of our lives. Every time Morgan misses a meal or doesn’t get enough sleep, every time he has a nightmare about deployment or snaps at me with an anger that never belonged to him before the Navy, it adds another bullet to the list of things I will never even come close to making up to him. When he said he would do anything for me, he meant it. And then he did it. And I will never be able to thank him enough.

All of that to say: the last semester has been beyond surreal. I was required to take some spiritual formation classes that, at the risk of sounding corny, really changed my life. Not only did the classes make me reconsider my constant need to beat myself up over everything, but they also opened my eyes to many of the positive outcomes of the negative factors in our lives. While I would have loved to graduate four years ago, I wouldn’t give up my experience at Regent for anything. The professors say exactly what I need to hear, the students are encouraging and authentic, the entire university, in my experience, does an excellent job of living out Christian community in a way that I have not observed before. Regent has changed my life for the better. If I had graduated years ago, I never would have been able to sit in these classes, make these friendships, and experience this teaching, all of which are worth the wait.

The Navy, too, has served its purpose in our lives. Morgan has changed so much since we were eighteen. He’s still goofy and he still somehow thinks I am the very sun, but he has matured in ways I honestly don’t think would have occurred if not for the Navy. He’s experienced sorrow and the world, he’s dealt with impossible people and unbelievable temptations, yet he’s come through on the other side with a heart not hardened by age but softened by empathy and compassion. I’m so unspeakably proud of how mature he has become, how selfless and loving he is on a regular basis. If we had both chased our dreams to separate colleges, there’s a good change we would have never gotten married. I’m so glad that we did. There is no one I would rather have by my side, or emailing me from a planet away, than my corny, dorky, selfless, wonderful, handsome husband. And without the Navy, I doubt we would have ever reached this place of extreme appreciation, gratitude, and love for each other.

I was walking through my stunning campus to my car on the last day of classes and considering how far we have come, we being my husband and me, but also my mom and siblings. Out of the ashes of a life that could have ruined us, we have developed into a family that definitely has its flaws, but overall has turned their pain and hurt into love and compassion. Each one of us is driven, not to success, but to serve others. Instead of being hardened in a world where fear, anger, and unthinking prejudice is the norm, each one of us has a desire to love the unloveable, serve the marginalized, and speak out for the voiceless. I am so proud of how my hurting, broken, and bruised little family has turned their pain into something beautiful.

I do not want to be the kind of person who is never content, who is always seeking, but never finding. I want to be the kind of person who recognizes that the path through the past, no matter how rocky and bent, led to the present exactly as it was ordained to do so. And while we as humans certainly have a responsibility to plan to the best of our ability for the future, sometimes it’s impossible and sometimes we make mistakes. I’m going to endeavor to stop wasting my present time beating up my past self and setting my future self up for more regret. I’m not advocating a live-in-the-moment, fly-by-the-seat-of-you-pants mentality, but rather one that embraces the present as a weighty and beautiful gift. I don’t want to keep evaluating my life as a highway from point A to some elusive point B. I want to enjoy the view with the assurance that, ultimately, the navigation isn’t really up to me.